


Christmas Won't Be the Same Without You

by CLeighWrites



Series: Candice's Christmas Song Drabbles ('18) [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Christmas Angst, Christmas Fluff, Dean Winchester Has Issues, F/M, Feelings, Flashbacks, Heavy Drinking, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 06:33:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17503466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CLeighWrites/pseuds/CLeighWrites
Summary: Dean drinks and reminisces what Christmas used to be like before he fucked up





	Christmas Won't Be the Same Without You

**Author's Note:**

> _Dean + "Christmas won’t be the same without you. Christmas won’t be the same if you go. You’re all I need to see, standing by my Christmas tree."_

I refilled my glass with the last of the whiskey, watching as the last few precious drops slipped free from the rim of the bottle. It had been eleven days and ten hours since she had packed a bag and walked out of the bunker. It had been eleven days and nine hours since she responded to my calls and texts. More importantly, it had been eleven days and twelve hours since I made the biggest mistake of my life. All that was left to do was to sit alone, the only light coming from her half-decorated Christmas tree in the corner of the library, and drink away the memories. 

_“Come on Dean, it’s Christmas. We have to have a tree.” She looked at me with such joy, I could hardly refuse her anything._

_“Fine. But I’m not gonna be the one to put it up or anything. That’s all on you sweetheart.” I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face as she attacked me with a hug._

_All in all the tree looked great, the little lights shining bright, reflecting off the sparkly ornaments she had gotten. She was standing next to the tree, adding some finishing touches, and it struck me that she was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. The way the light was highlighting her hair, backlighting her frame as she stood in front of the tree admiring her work, she was stunning._

With the whiskey gone I grab a bottle of scotch and start in on that. I can’t take my eyes off the tree. I thought about taking it down, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I still have a little bit of hope that she’ll be back. The last thing I want is for her tree to be gone if that happens. She loved that thing, and I’ll be damned if I didn’t hate it at this point. I’d love nothing more than to burn the whole thing to the ground. 

I can’t remember the last time I ate anything. I can’t bring myself to eat, I’m not even really hungry. Sam had even brought me a pie, and I only felt a little bad about throwing it against the wall. She makes the best pies, crispy crusts, warm perfectly seasoned fillings, it’s not like I can just go back to eating store bought pies after that. 

_I walked into the kitchen to find her bent over in front of the oven. I walked up behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist, burying my face into her hair. She smelled like dough and spices. She twisted and swatted me away from her._

_“Dean, I’m literally half in an oven right now!”_

_“You smell good enough to eat, sweetheart.” My hands found her hips as soon as she stood and faced me._

_“Yeah, well, I’m baking a pie right now.” She tried to look aggravated with me but couldn’t quite wipe the smile off of her face._

_“You know I love you, right?” Her face was just inches from mine and I couldn’t help leaning in the rest of the way to press my lips against hers; she tasted like sugar and fruit._

_“That’s what you keep telling me.” She grinned up at me, licking her lips._

_“Then it must be true.” I smiled a big toothy smile at her. “Especially since I’ve let you take over the bat cave with Christmas.”_

_She smirked at me, “Oh, you let me, did you?” She reached up and kissed me again._

_Her lips were soft and melted right into mine. I could get lost in her for the rest of my life. I couldn’t believe that she was mine, that she let me in her life in any way._

The lights of the tree were all blurred together into one bright ball of tree shaped Christmas light. I swirled the last sip of scotch around the bottom of my glass and heard the door open. The lights came on and I squinted away from the startling brightness. 

“Cut the damn lights off Sam!” 

“It’s kinda hard to see to walk down the stairs with them off.” It was her voice, actually here in the bunker. I whipped my head around too fast, and the room struggled to catch up. “Unless you want me to fall down a flight of stairs?” She added.

“Y/N!” I scrambled to my feet and almost fell down the few steps into the war room as I made my way to her. 

She started to walk down the steps, “How drunk are you exactly? No, don’t answer that. I’m not here to talk, I’m just here to get the rest of my shit and go.”

“No, please.” I walked straight up to her, but I stopped in my tracks when she held her hands up to keep me from touching her. 

“Please what, Dean?” 

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, she was here, this was my last chance, and I was already fucking it up. 

“Please, can we just talk?”

“I think you’ve said plenty already.” She moved to walk past me and pulled away when I tried to grab her arm to stop her. 

“Please, Christmas isn’t the same without you.”

“You don’t give a shit about Christmas Dean, you’ve made that perfectly clear this year.” She was already making her way down the hall, 

“Look, I didn’t come to fight. I just want to get my stuff and I’ll get out of your hair.”

“I don’t want you out of my hair,” I could hardly breath and was struggling to keep up with her.

She rounded on me, “What?”

“Please, don’t leave me again. Stay.” I knew I was begging, but I was desperate, I wouldn’t survive her leaving me again. 

“Why Dean? Give me one reason why.”

“I lo-”

“If you say because you love me, I don’t want to hear it.”

“It’s the truth. I do love you. I haven’t been able to do anything the past nine days. It’s been miserable.” Tears were making their way down my cheeks now and I swiped at them angrily.

“Not too miserable for you to keep drinking yourself to death.” At least she wasn’t yelling anymore.

“Please.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say, all this time having this conversation in my head, and now that she was here, all I could do was beg her to stay.

She shook her head, “Dean-” 

I took a chance and reached for her hand, she let me take it, and I rubbed my thumb over the backs of her knuckles. It felt so good to feel her again. There was a tear making its way down her cheek, I brought my free hand up to brush it away, I hated to see her cry. I had done this, I had made her feel like she wasn’t wanted here, I had made her feel like she was less than the amazing woman she was. She leaned into my touch and I had to resist the urge I got to lean in and kiss her, to do something to make her feel better. 

My hand was still cupping her cheek, “Y/N. Could you- will you just stay tonight? Please, just stay?” I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to watch as she made her decision. 

I opened my eyes when I felt her lips on the inside of my wrist, “Okay Dean, I’ll stay the night. Not together, and we’ll talk when you’re sober tomorrow.” 

I smiled, the first genuine smile I’d had in almost two weeks, “Thank you, Y/N.”

She smiled back at me and pulled back from me, “Goodnight, Dean.”

Before I could tell her goodnight I realized what day it was, she was home in time, “Merry Christmas.” 

“Merry Christmas.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Don't be shy, let me know what you think!


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